Food To Keep People Away

One of my favorite things about living in a rather isolated Vermont town is that most of the food I enjoy are somewhat of a cultural oddity to my schoolmates (tofu, tofurkey, vegetable sprouts, carrots). The looks I receive are pretty priceless (today’s sandwich, an open faced tofam, cream cheese on a sesame seed bagel brought a few “fuck”s and lots of suspicious squinty eyed looks) and that really just encourages me to keep things up. My main encourager to continue eating “unusual” foods is the fact that it keeps away the undesirables in my school. If you can’t handle raw maple-ginger tofu than you can’t handle the Lady Jane.

Seitan, or braised gluten (a much more unappealing name that has even better results), is high on my list. It comes in an oily sauce and looks like dog testes (we dissected these in eighth grade so I am not just picking a horrifying metaphor but rather being fairly literal). I eat them cold and slimy and the more pungent the better. Even my closer friends (or at least my more tolerant schoolmates) tend to shy away from me during lunch or snack time when I break out my mason jar of testes. Today however was a first, I have this female friend, a lovely girl about three years younger than me who I’ve built up a sibling relationship with, actually ate one. Never, let me repeat that, never have I had to share my seitan before. She told me it was too greasy and we both agreed that if I siphoned off the sauce it would be more appealing. Than she tried to take my lemon button cookies (they’re local!) and I tried to hit her.

A final note on the subject before I need to finish my American Literature test: Quorn Chick’n Nuggets. Besides being delicious they are extremely use full at fending off rednecks and raising eyebrows. The whole secret to using these properly is making use of their deceptive qualities. These meatless and soyless products are spot on imitations for the real deal (and not just based off of appearances, they taste fairly similar as well) and so if you can spare one than allow your target to enjoy it before casually mentioning, “The great thing is that they’re meatless! Mycoprotein is such a blessing, isn’t it?” You’ll get a queer look which is your cue to explain how they just at fungus. It’s delightfully fun.

Alright, it’s nearing five-thirty here in the Green Mountains so I’m going to chop up some potatoes, grate some cheddar, open a can of black beans and pop it in the oven.

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2 Comments

Filed under The Pantry

2 responses to “Food To Keep People Away

  1. Pingback: Things I Liked In September That You’ll Like In Octobe « Lady Jane's Book

  2. Pingback: For the Vegetarian On the Go « Lady Jane's Book

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